Fulfilled or Failed???

You know those people who say, "being a mother is so fulfilling, I just love it!" I want to meet one who isn't already a grandma and find out how.  Lately (ok, honestly for most of the last 8 years) being a mom makes me feel like a complete and utter failure more days than I go to bed feeling fulfilled.

I was never the girl who talked about growing up and being a mom and doing this and that with my kids. The only thing I ever said along those lines was to my mom who I felt was cheating me out of a wonderful life experience one day when she wouldn't give me as much money as I thought I needed to go to the gas station.  My friends and I would walk to Old Farm Market and get candy and soda and tater babies (yummy).  This particular day I had asked for $5. She didn't think I needed that much money and I said to here, my one and only "when I'm a mom" statement ever, "when I have kids and they want to go to the gas station, I will give them at least $5 every time they ask. That's what good moms do!" Aside from that one comment in a heated moment with my mom no one ever recalls me saying anything about having kids.

I remember sitting behind a girl named Mindy in a computer class in 7th grade. The first day of class we had to interview our neighbor and find out the answers to all these prompted questions.  One of them as," what do you want to be when you grow up?" We'll, I asked mindy that simple questions and got the answer, "I am going to be a mom!" I think my jaw hit the floor.  Wy would any body want to be a mom instead of a brain surgeon whatever young teenage minds think up.  As I got older and watched people, I realized some people were put here with the awe inspiring talent to mother, to interact with kids and love them and teach them and be entertained by them.  Unfortunately for me and my boys, I am not one of those women.  Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who thinks like Little boys, who builds great forts and can play video games for hours on end and who can talk on a level they understand and love.

I'm not saying I don't love my kids because I do more than almost anything.  I would just love to be able to parent them more effectively and in a more fulfilling way. I hope and pray that as they get older, I will be able to enjoy them more.  Right now I feel like the mom Whois constantly fighting with my kids to brush their teeth or put their back pack away, or to,play less messy.  When I try to do something fun with them it seems like al anyone does I fight and complain. I often finding myself thinking, " what's the point? I could do their chores better and faster and without the fight." Or "what's the point, no one is possibly having any fun."  We'll, the point is, and it is hrd for me to remember some times, that I have these little people on Lon from our Heavenly Father who expects and has entrusted me with 5 of His favorite children.  It is my job to raise them up right.  To teach them the gospel and how to love it, and more importantly, to want to live it and to teach them how to succeed in this world.  I will be held accountable for The things I do and say as a parent.  I owe it to all my kids and my Heavenly Father to figure things out.

As hard as that will be and as many years as that will take, I will keep on keepin' on.  I don't know how to get over this feeling of failing everyone today, but hopefully in time with much pray and fasting and trying, I will get it right. And hopefully I'm not too late.  Hopefully I will raise great people who love life and love to love nd give and become something of worth to both the people they know and love and our Heavenly Father.

Any suggestions on how to find joy in this journey we call parenthood would be greatly appreciated.

I know that my Redeemer lives!

I love going to church. I really love days when something happens that strengthens my testimony or reminds me why I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Yesterday at church a man sang the song "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" and my heart was touched.  Every word of that song rang true to me of the things that I believe about my Savior, and how that knowledge has helped to mold me into the person that's am.  Flawed and imperfect, but trying a little hard each day to Become the person I can be.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TajSXFfWbAU


As you read the words to the song, pay attention to the feelings it brings into your heart and the peace that is speaks.

1. I know that my Redeemer lives.
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, he lives, who once was dead.
He lives, my ever-living Head.
He lives to bless me with his love.
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed.
He lives to bless in time of need.

2. He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.

3. He lives, my kind, wise heav’nly Friend.
He lives and loves me to the end.
He lives, and while he lives, I’ll sing.
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.
He lives and grants me daily breath.
He lives, and I shall conquer death.
He lives my mansion to prepare.
He lives to bring me safely there.

4. He lives! All glory to his name!
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”
He lives! All glory to his name!
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

So many of the words are so full of love, support and encouragement to keep on pushing forward.  he lives, loves, blesses, pleads, feeds, guides, comforts, hears, kind, joy. All that the savior did was for us, each and every one of us.   Not as a whole but as individuals.  In The Book of Mormon, in Alma chapter 7 it is full of similar expressions of the love Jesus Christ has for us. 

I love the knowledge and peace that comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ.  If you ever feel alone or empty, afraid or lost, turn to The Lord in prayer or in the scriptures.  He loves you more than you know.  He wants you to be happy and joyful and the best part is He knows better than anyone how to comfort you and lift you up if only you let Him. What could be more comforting than that? The Savior suffered all thAT he suffered so that he could lift us up, comfort us when life is hard and help us to get back on the path that lead to eternal happiness, IF we will let Him by becoming a true follower.  Nothing can bring more strength to move forward or peace to the soul than knowing that.  Such a blessing.  I like the song says, know that my Redeemer lives and loves me.

Happy Mother's day??

A big shout out to all my fellow mothers out there!!  Nothing like a day to celebrate our faults and shortcomings.  I can't tell you how many times today I heard the words, "being a mother is so rewarding and is one of the greatest blessings in a woman's life........
Really? 
I am anxiously awaiting the day that I feel that way for more than a few seconds here and there.  Right now, I feel tired and weighed down with inadequacy.  By the end of each day i am grateful for bedtime because I need a break from all my little blessings who have nagged and whined and fought all day long. I need a moment to feel like I am something other than a maid, a cook and a sounding board for everyone. 
I think that part of me was expecting something really out of the ordinary today. But the day went as usual other than Adam got up and shut our door so I could sleep in till 9 in peace. And Adam was sick.  The kids were exceptionally wiggly in sacrament meeting and wouldn't stop talking.  I know that the young men's presidency talked about mothers but that is all I could tell you.  then I got to go to a family dinner with out Adam and deal with all the kids by my self. 
I am soooooo tired today.  I am grateful that I am tired because I was doing good. and taking care of the things I love most in this world, but am left feeling far from where I want to be at the end of this great day. 
I wish that I was put on this earth with the natural talent to be good, loving, playful mom. That I jumped out of bed every morning, early, excited for what the day might bring.  I want that, but have no idea how to get to that place. 
Maybe after the kids are grown up, and you look back at all the blood and sweat and tears and band aids you put in to raising you great kids who have turned into great adults you recognize the blessing better.  One day I will let you know.  For now, I will have to take the small moments where I feel that joy and hang on to that a little bit harder

I'm back

I can't believe how fast time flies when you're doing absolutely nothing at all.  Here is the short version of the last year. The beginning of last year, Adam and I decided that we were done having kids. Almost 2 years before this decision was made we felt like we needed to stop preventing a baby from being made (didn't really feel like we would have another baby, but that we needed to "try"). During that time I had 2 miscarriages.  I had never had a problem getting pregnant before and started to think maybe I felt like we needed to try so that we could find out that there was something wrong with me.  Nothing ever was. After miscarrying I dreaded "that time of the month" every month. My periods were kind of all over the place and I old get nervous every month that I was going to be pregnant and the have another miscarriage.  If you've never been there, count your blessings. It is stressful and kind of depressing.

Anyway, after all that, early last year, I decided to get serious about losing weight and liking the way I looked, so after exploring my options decided to do isagenix. About this same time we decided to do something permanant so we wouldn't have any more kids.  I started doing isagenix and Adam scheduled his vasectomy.  Life was all the sudden a lot less stressful. No more middle of the night feedings, only one more kid to potty train, no more sippy cups or cribs.  (It's kind of amazing how fast your thoughts change when you know you're done having babies). Adam had his surgery in march and I was down about 20 pounds and thought I might buy a new swimming suit for the summer, something I haven't done since before I had Corbin. After a while, I realized I hadn't had a period.  I decided it was because I was eating different And had lost a fair amount of weight in a short amount of time, but decided I better make sure I wasn't pregnant since I wasn't eating a very fetus friendly diet.  I was shocked when the test was positive. I took a few test to make sure.  I couldn't believe that I was really pregnant.  I blame Adam. (The night before the vasectomy, Adam told Heavenly Father he was willing for one more night and if we were supposed to have another baby it was the last chance).
So we did the math and decided this baby was meant to be (Heavenly Father usually gets His way, we don't always like it but I have learned that the quicker we are to put our will in line with His the happier we will be) and the icing on the cake was finding out this sweet baby was due on Christmas.  We changed the way we thought again.  It changed to awe, crap now we need the crib that the kids broke and we shouldn't have thrown away all the sippy cups and we love getting up in the middle of the night all night long to snuggle a fussy baby, and we moved forward.
Not to long after finding out I was pregnant my fibromyalgia went crazy.  My hands wouldn't work, I could hardly walk, I was so tired I couldn't function.  I felt like I did when I came home from my mission to find out that I had fibromyalgia, maybe worse.  And it never got better.  It got to the point that I was going to the neighbors to have them open cans for me or having them come over to help me cut things so I could try no make dinner,  I couldn't drive unless I used my elbows to steer the car, some days I couldn't get myself dressed of fix my hair or put makeup on. I was this helpless, pathetic person trying to take care of 4 other little people.  I didn't know what to do.
Well, Heavenly Father knows better than we do and He loves to bless his children and He made it impossible for us to move so that we would be in this ward while I was pregnant.  I couldn't believe how many people that were more than willing to help with everything.  Dinners, cleaning, babysitting, grocery shopping, rides to the doctor, taking my kids while I'd go get my labor stopped, so many tender mercies from The Lord.
I also learned how true it is that we will never be given more than we can handle.  When it seemed like I couldn't take one more thing, one more thing would usually happen or go wrong, but one thing would also work itself out or it would be the day that 3 or 4 people would call and offer to bring dinner or help with the kids or bring my favorite treat over.  He kind of balanced out the bad if that makes  sense.
With all this going on, all this new pregnant stuff, I would have put money (and a lot of it) on this baby being a girl.  I had never experienced anything like this with any of my other pregnancies.

Trials of our Faith or Faith builders???

Earlier this year I went to a Relief Society meeting and a young couple spoke about their trials and experiences.  The girl had lost her mother (I think) to cancer when she was in her early 20's.  She talked about prayer and the way our prayers are answered or not answered.  She shared a quote from a talk, I think I have wrote about it before.  But, here it is again,  “For a while, I thought if I had enough faith, I would be cured,” she says. “But sometimes having faith means trusting in and listening to the Lord even when we are not cured. What we want won’t always match what He has planned for us.”......“When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren’t healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting.”


There was a great talk in conference about looking up.  Letting the atonement work for us in our lives and always looking to the Savior.  http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up?lang=eng In his talk, Elder Cook says, "Experience has taught me that if we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy.³ We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance—and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow His direction."

How often in life do we face a trial, get sick or get diagnosed with cancer or lose a loved one or a job, struggle as a parent or a spouse or just have a bad day, a bad break up and so on and so on.  the list is almost endless, and we pray, because when life isn't going according to plan we tend to pray a little bit more, Right? And much to our dismay, it seems like Heavenly Father has left us on our own to fight through and figure out a way to come out on top, or come out at all in some cases. We might feel alone, or abandoned or unloved.  But that feeling I have learned is a choice.  We choose to let our unanswered prayer get us down.  We don't let our Savior's love and the atonement pull us up above the gloom and despair.  We choose to not feel blessed and we choose to not let our faith be perfected. 


This week could have been a really hard, depressing week for me.  As you know, we have been trying to get pregnant for most of this year.  Making a baby has always been a fairly easy process at our house until this time.  Well, last friday we found our we were pregnant. Saturday morning I had some problems and ended up at the dr, then back again on tuesday.  I lost the baby.  It was sad and hard.  But I chose to focus on the blessing I have in my life..the 4 kids I have that if I had stuck to my plan would not be.  My great husband, my wonderful friends, a calling that has kept me super busy this week, and most importantly a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I know.  A Heavenly Father who knows me and wants the best for me.  That doesn't always mean that thing will go easy or the way I want them to.  We have to experience the bad, the ugly and the hard so we will appreciate the good.  In the Book Of Mormon, Lehi teaches us in 2 Nephi :11 " that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility."

We could not be grateful for the good and the happy if we never experienced the bad and the sad.  It was an interesting experience for me.  Saturday I had Adam and Joe give me a blessing and was really hoping that it would say something like, "your baby will be fine!" or, "prepare yourself, this baby will not be making an appearance here on this earth next May."  But that is not what I heard.  I got, be patient, Heavenly Father loves you and is aware of your situation, one day, someday, you will bear a child. 

So, I know that someone is aware of me, but should I be scared, Happy, sad, worried?  I didn't know. then I go to the dr and they say "well, you could have miscarried or you could be fine.  We will take blood today and then again on tuesday and then on wednesday, we will let you know what is going on.  what is done is done and there isn't anything anyone can do to change it."  Any one who knows me knows I am the farthest thing from patient.  it was a long 5 days. The hardest part was not knowing what I felt or what I should be feeling.  But at the same time I knew that everything was going to work out the way it was supposed to and I was ok with that. I was ok with whatever news I was going to get.  Every time I would pray, I prayed that I would feel my Savior's love and that I would know what to feel.  I know the Savior knew what I was going through and He knew how I should be feeling.  And that was good enough for me.  I felt the Savior's love and the strength that comes from knowing about the atonement and the plan of salvation.  I still feel that love. 

                                       

What a blessing to go through a hard, unwanted experience and to come out feeling closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  Such a better place to be than questioning the Lord's motives and my worth as a child of God.  I don't think that I am a heartless person who doesn't feel or care and I don't think that I am someone special that gets knocked down and jumps back up with out a problem or thinking twice, I think we get to make choices (part of our agency)  and I chose to be happy and hopeful. I chose to move forward and to let my faith get a little bit closer to perfect. 
When we let the Lord's plan work for us, when we put our struggles in His hands we can't not win. I am so grateful for the gospel.  for the plan of salvation.  I can't imagine going through life with out the gospel.  I would be so scared and alone I think.  I don't know how I would have survived the last week.  One more thing that motivates me to look for opportunities to be a missionary and to teach my kids how important it is to have an eternal perspective.  to not waste time worrying about the things that don't matter and letting the Savior help with the things that do.  

That is my big long spiel for the night.

Defeat

Have you ever felt totally defeated?  I have a lot lately.  I start every day thinking that  I am going to have a great day, that I will not be defeated my anything, not my kids, the laundry, the jerk at the store, definitely not by my old house that I love so much.  Well, today, I was defeated by my kids, my husband, the oven and dinner. 

I wish it were easier to have an eternal perspective, to look past the little things that for some reason seem to matter so much. To have a bad day or hour or minute and to say, something like, "man that sucked", be mad or sad or whatever for a few seconds and then move on to something more important, more eternal.  I am frustrated with Adam right now.  I need to just get over it, but I know me and I an going to sulk in it for a few hours or a night and then let the guilt of being upset drive me to apologize for a disagreement I didn't start. Wasted time and feelings. 

Life is hard and stressful. Too bad we didn't come to earth knowing all we needed to know, having already felt everything we needed to feel, having a quick fix to every problem.  I often think how differently I would react to situations if I didn't have the gospel in my life.  If I didn't have the spirit with me on and off through out the day (when I allow it to be with me). I can't imagine how much harder life would be.  I think I would be a very sad person. 

I also think about service and just being with other people, like play groups or talking to a complete stranger at McDonald's just to have an adult conversation.  We need others in our lives to make us complete.  Our spouses, children, extended family, friends, neighbors, strangers.  There is a lot we can do for others without even knowing that we are helping.  Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when He sent us down here by the hundreds and thousands and billions. 

Tomorrow I will once again start the day feeling like I will conquer it, who knows, maybe I will. 

WOW!!!  It has been a long time with lots of ups and downs and all arounds.  I am on my way to bed, (I have this awesome friend who gets me out of bed way to early to exercise) for my beauty rest.  I have lots to tell and will be back soon!!  Night Night