You know those people who say, "being a mother is so fulfilling, I just love it!" I want to meet one who isn't already a grandma and find out how. Lately (ok, honestly for most of the last 8 years) being a mom makes me feel like a complete and utter failure more days than I go to bed feeling fulfilled.
I was never the girl who talked about growing up and being a mom and doing this and that with my kids. The only thing I ever said along those lines was to my mom who I felt was cheating me out of a wonderful life experience one day when she wouldn't give me as much money as I thought I needed to go to the gas station. My friends and I would walk to Old Farm Market and get candy and soda and tater babies (yummy). This particular day I had asked for $5. She didn't think I needed that much money and I said to here, my one and only "when I'm a mom" statement ever, "when I have kids and they want to go to the gas station, I will give them at least $5 every time they ask. That's what good moms do!" Aside from that one comment in a heated moment with my mom no one ever recalls me saying anything about having kids.
I remember sitting behind a girl named Mindy in a computer class in 7th grade. The first day of class we had to interview our neighbor and find out the answers to all these prompted questions. One of them as," what do you want to be when you grow up?" We'll, I asked mindy that simple questions and got the answer, "I am going to be a mom!" I think my jaw hit the floor. Wy would any body want to be a mom instead of a brain surgeon whatever young teenage minds think up. As I got older and watched people, I realized some people were put here with the awe inspiring talent to mother, to interact with kids and love them and teach them and be entertained by them. Unfortunately for me and my boys, I am not one of those women. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who thinks like Little boys, who builds great forts and can play video games for hours on end and who can talk on a level they understand and love.
I'm not saying I don't love my kids because I do more than almost anything. I would just love to be able to parent them more effectively and in a more fulfilling way. I hope and pray that as they get older, I will be able to enjoy them more. Right now I feel like the mom Whois constantly fighting with my kids to brush their teeth or put their back pack away, or to,play less messy. When I try to do something fun with them it seems like al anyone does I fight and complain. I often finding myself thinking, " what's the point? I could do their chores better and faster and without the fight." Or "what's the point, no one is possibly having any fun." We'll, the point is, and it is hrd for me to remember some times, that I have these little people on Lon from our Heavenly Father who expects and has entrusted me with 5 of His favorite children. It is my job to raise them up right. To teach them the gospel and how to love it, and more importantly, to want to live it and to teach them how to succeed in this world. I will be held accountable for The things I do and say as a parent. I owe it to all my kids and my Heavenly Father to figure things out.
As hard as that will be and as many years as that will take, I will keep on keepin' on. I don't know how to get over this feeling of failing everyone today, but hopefully in time with much pray and fasting and trying, I will get it right. And hopefully I'm not too late. Hopefully I will raise great people who love life and love to love nd give and become something of worth to both the people they know and love and our Heavenly Father.
Any suggestions on how to find joy in this journey we call parenthood would be greatly appreciated.
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