Do you ever have days when you feel like a complete failure?  Like you're letting everyone you care about down?  today has been one of those days. In all reality, it has been one of those months.  I hate it.


Our ward is doing a mission activity this month and it has got me thinking alot about my mission. I was a great missionary.  (I am not bragging, I was good. probably one of the few things I have been great at in my life.) I am on a quest to figure out how I can be that great at being a mother and wife. 


To start I have to figure out what made me a great missionary because in all reality, to be a great mother I need to do the same things I did as a missionary. My boys are just little investigators that I get to be with twenty-four hours a day 7 days a week. So, here we go.


I wanted to serve a mission,for a long as I can remember I wanted to serve a mission (I didn't always want to be a mother.) I love the gospel. I love people. I really enjoy talking to people especially about the gospel.  I worked really hard at being a missionary. I did all I could to be prepared. I woke up earlier than required to study and commune with the Lord, to make sure my will was in accord with the Lord's will. I prayed always-ALWAYS. About everything I did, everywhere I went. I sought  council in everything I did. And I focused on the my goal, on the big picture. Not every door that got slammed in my face or every person who told me they didn't want to lear more about the gospel. I didn't let thoses things get me down for to long.


I wanted to get married. I wouldn't have had the idea to have my children as close and a many as I have on my own, but I am eternally grateful for them and I couldn't imagine life with out any one of them. I want to be a good wife and a great mom. I don't want to look back in 20 years and kick myself because I am full of regrets. I want to look back and feel like I could have done more, but only if I had know what I know then.  I want to feel like I was prepared and that I gave my all, every day, to each of my children and to the love of my life. And most importantly, that my actions and my will were in accord with the Lord's will.


SO...... this is what I am going to do.  My new mission for the time being is to study it out. To pray for a desire to do all I can to be the best I can be (I will never be the best, but I can be my best and the best for my family) I am going to do all I can to be prepared spiritually, mentally and physically everyday.


I am going to learn how to focus on the big picture. Not so much the dirty toliet and all the lunch that ended up on the floor and the wall, the laundry that needs to be folded and the floor that has needed to be mopped for 3 days. I am going to read and study and learn and follow and play and be young at heart (even if I don't want to) I am also going to do more to fulfill my calling in the Relief Society or what ever it may be.


I will focus on making me better, not changing everything about everyone else that makes me crazy. I am gong to blog my journey, what I study, what I learn, and how it changes things (especially me) I will learn and grow and I will write it all down so I can remember, and maybe one day I can share. You never know, my boys might get a little boy just like them. They, or more likely their wives will want to know how to survive their children and I might have learned something that will give them a little bit of hope.


We have started a journey and I promise to find scriptures, quotes and wise words to share with you, to put around my home to remind me and teach my family what matters most and how to get there as a family. Here we go.